wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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