guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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