As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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