I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He passed out mid-signature
My vagina just recognized that song.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
