I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
