i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
