if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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