You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
