theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize