yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
