There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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