I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Boobs speak an international language.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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