This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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