Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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