Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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