Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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