and you said cock pushups were impossible
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
