i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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