He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
