you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
