Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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