The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
