All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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