I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
