Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
