Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
