I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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