Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
