His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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