I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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