so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
