She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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