I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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