ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize