New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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