A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think my moral compass just broke
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
