i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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