3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
