lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
