Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
