my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am midnight drunk by noon
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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