I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
