Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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