I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
