Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
