Redeem this text for a blowjob
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
