Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
