Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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