There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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