Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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