onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
