I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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