If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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