Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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