I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
