I wish i was in the wii world.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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