do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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