I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
